I have been thinking about so many aspects of my life, going over my stance on them and how I should deal with everything. Even though outside events might occur, I know it's my reaction to them that will determine how things play out. Intentionality is key. And I know it's okay to think about scary things, like loneliness, loss, sadness, heart ache, deadlines, and letting others see me as I truly am. But it's how I deal with these thoughts and act on them that will determine where I find myself. So it's okay to feel this way, but processing and learning from my experience is key and I will be stronger for it. Phew.
That transient feeling is something I have not experienced this deeply up until this point. I go from one state to the next, unsure of my next move and what life is doling out to me. This makes me nervous and afraid. But I also know I am here, right now. And instead of rejecting my situation and waiting for the future, I need to grasp the present and learn from it.
Whenever I am feeling ungrounded, I have turned to this transient style of photography, using long exposures to create impressions of myself. Sometimes it is fun to be ungrounded, to feel a part of everything and not holding onto false boundaries. But it can also be confusing, frustrating, and unfufilling to live in "limbo" for too long, where you lose sight of yourself and become emeshed in everything else.
Part of me has clung to this "other world" feeling, not wanting to feel reality, because honestly, it has been hitting me with some pretty unpleasant situations. But, as a human being, I am part of this world and neglecting it means I am also neglecting the "good" in my life.
I've been getting really into music videos lately. I feel like there are so many songs I listen to on a daily basis and then I see the music video and go "Wow, so that just adds another layer to this song". Either that, or I'm like, wow, that song was better left alone XP. But seriously, there are some really awesome music videos out there. This one, How, by Regina Spektor, I thought had a really interesting composition and feel to it . . . the background, the wardrobe, the props . . . it's all very melancholy, yet quirky (what by Regina isn't?). And yes, at the time my angst was kicking in big time, but what's new? :P
So what's this got to do with photography, or more specifically, self portraits? I was thinking about music videos and how they are like one long series of self portraits. It's the artist (usually), singing their lyrics, expressing their song through a visual format. Music videos offer a way for us to see the musician, sometimes in a different light than what we might through the media or on stage. And the way the video is filmed, what people wear, how they move their body, how they interact with other people --- it's all so similar to photography, in that you want that perfect set up, that perfect angle, that perfect moment to convey whatever feeling or message you are trying to get across.
Music has been really inspiring to me in terms of self portraits. Usually, when I am feeling a certain way, a song will pop up that speaks to me. And then I listen to it like a billion times. And those songs usually spark some type of visual experience for me-- whether it's a still photo or moving experience, usually some idea of something pops into my head. I don't always act on it and I've never acted on the moving experiences. Why? Feeling like I lack the time, not having the experience, feeling like I don't have the equipment . . . Basically the usual culprit- Fear. But I'm writing this because I feel like, once I have severed some times and commitments, I need to explore. Physically and mentally. And this is something I have been curious about for awhile. So, essentially, remember.
Also, this is the latest song on my mind; I don't think it's the greatest music video, but it does have some nice shots and good humor. I just love the lyrics-- totally feeling it.
A few nights ago I was laying in bed thinking, "What am I doing?". This question was focused on photography and what I was doing for my project- how were these images linked? Why did I want to make them? Suddenly, something occurred to me. I am searching for a new perspective(s). A new way of looking. A new way of seeing. Another way of being.
Things have been kind of rough lately. I have been having a hard time feeling grounded, safe, solid. This is not necessarily bad. I am learning a lot. But I also would just like to KNOW something once in awhile. Come on universe, please??
Part of this conflict has risen from not wanting to follow what "society" dictates I should do after college. Get a job. I just want to be free of commitments for awhile, do my own thing. Go where I want to. But I'm afraid. Not that I can't do what I want. Just that once I graduate, I CAN do it. I'm afraid of letting myself down, compromising. But I'm unsure of what the limits of compromise are-- how far can you go until you are being untrue to yourself?
So, in terms of perspectives, I guess I am searching for my own. I am looking for people with similar wants and needs. I want to see this world for what it is, not be naive, but also be able to see and convey the extreme beauty I see everyday. I guess I am also looking to understand pain and hatred and sorrow. And everything in between.
I continued to play with the mirror and realized when I zoomed in, I could make myself look like I was floating/ swimming in space. I liked the feel of these, but I think they are not a fully developed images at this point-- maybe adding something to the background (ceiling) and thinking about clothing/ expressions. Also, it would be cool to get rid of the camera somehow (photoshop!).
Frank said I was creating new worlds and that I need to fantasize more. I am, I just need to be able to convey what I want. Which takes time. And practice. And lots of reflection. (Pun not intended, but now it is).
